So here is a conversation i started to have with myself
me: you man i got this shit going on inside me this thing called an invisible complex.
you: a what now?
me: an invisible complex, you know that shit citizen activists get when there peoples have been screwed over…ya know in solidarity you start thinking you invisible in society..similarly opressed
you: really, well you know there is different levels of oppressions but it really doesnt have to do with that right
me:you know ive been asking around. others have noticed. so far i have uncovered that part of it…is medical..
you: ya cant deny the fact that you havent been taking care of yourself.
me: well im going to doctor, thats scheduled
you: the other part of it is that feeling you always have gotten since you were small. feeling unappreciated. it kept going on in high school. the feeling of not trying hard enough…
me: shit dont down that elevator shaft. things can get ugly up in there.
you: why do you have to carry the chimora of everybody else ya know. loved that word in poetry 101
me: fucking baudailaire that crackhead…he was funny. i appreciate a man with humor
you: keep digging deeper so far we have checked list chimora’s or adding other people’s burden as your own….the medical shit thats right….so far i know you cant focus and your carrying a weight…. lets explore that weight.. what’s inside that sack….i keep thinking of that sack del chavo del 8 when he was going to run away from that barril
me; in that sack is the fact that I am going to support my family financially, im supporting gabe with his immigration drama, im supporting the immigrant youth movement as a whole as an organization, in vision, i feel like i can save everybody and everything, im the person that everybody gets to dump their shit on….basically
you; how is your body feeling?
me: my body hunches over, i stop breathing, i get tired thinking, i am a passer-by..you know i feel like nobody is looking at this direction. Like HELLO mofo’s pay attention this fucking bag is heavy.
you: what do you want that bag to do
me: i want to give away the shit inside away like santa claus. I look inside the bag and I say shit this doesnt belong to me…that’s your problem mister. but you know sometimes I cant fully transfer
you: what do you mean transfer.
Me: i hang on like spoiled baby not wanting to let go. I share stuff with people so I wont let go. i do that partly because I dont feel that the other person can do it right.
you: can you clarify.
me: i dont trust other people’s competence.
you: i feel it goes back to that martyr complex. You take on the work but then you wont let go. you feel like its your only way to show yourself. can i ask how can you be visible and at the same time not carry that shit.
me: its only when i trust the other piece-do i let go…it needs to be done right.
you: is it making everyone responsible that will make you free
me: it makes me happy when there is a job well done. when there is equal distribution of duties. when everybody takes responsibility and then the burden doesnt become so hard.
you: what is something you want to carry
me: i want to carry good memories. i think of it metaphorically like my own purses.
i love the feel goodness of a light tote and carrying vegetables and other goodies like chocolate mint muffin. of having a light lunch that is satisfying. I love focusing. i love meditating…and being in wellness. very few times i approach that feeling of wholeness.
it means letting go of you sometimes. im thinking of trying this out. A list of things to do considering agenda for next 4 days. and preparation and focus. that parts of the day consider the mind, the imagination, the body/physical, the food that goes into my body. It reflects in how i feel. I feel beeeeautiful 😉
Carry on Marisol!