Leaving Home

A year after writing a post about wanting a room of my own…its finally happening. Im moving out. To ann arbor of all places because destiny decided to put me there. In the craziness of the last two weeks in NYC, I’ve decided to return to this blog that began documenting to awkwardness of being a xicana in nyc….I guess now I have to change the domain to xicana in ann arbor haha. As for leaving home, I am reminded every day of why I wanted to leave my home in the first place. But at the same time, Im sad to leave my nest. There is no turning back now. Now is time to move on and there is no better time

Pulling

Today I was present at home. What that means practically is that my computer is off and I am focused on the now. I’ve decided that I would dedicate my time to being completly present. I read a piece about honoring work hours and not going above the 8 hours of work everday. Today was an experiment on just that. I worked really hard not to distract myself at work and focus on accomplishing as much as I could in the 40 hours of work I do every week. The rest of the hours would be about building meaningful relationships. I went to the gym and took care of my body first. Then I came home and I thought about all the random things I had to do tomorrow. My first instinct of course was go open my computer and just work on the things I had to do and it was so tough. Instead I took an index card and wrote things down to be done tomorrow. I played with my nephew instead. For me, the rupture of his laughter woke me up. How could a simple toy elicit so much utter joy in a child? I pressed on and enjoyed his laughter. I realized I have been so emotionally withdrawn from my family. All of the mourning and joy that i had not allowed myself to do had been hidden inside of me. I needed to heal most of all and I feel I’m off to a good start.

On Leadership

I am currently reading the Feiner Points of Leadership by Michael Feiner.

Although I am not finished with the e-book, here are some ideas that I found useful:

*mind you I am only in Chapter 2!

Leadership is the process of harnessing and directing the talent of others vs Management Activity produces predictability, consistency, and control, things that every organization requires

Reflecting on this I find that Leadership is more a visionary persona that is focused on the crucial need to build relationships, kind of like skin in a body. Management brings structure and order to an organization and functions like a skeleton to a body.

I’ve met a couple of youth leaders who had strong qualities of either management or leadership. I’ve met more who had charismatic skills who believed they had leadership but seriously lacked management skills of any kind. This really hindered our organization over the last year but this has only made more determined to strengthen both of these skills.

I just need to work harder on both of those skills to be a stronger leader.

Riot Grrls!

Flashback from the past…ok..fine…maybe five years ago…but I went ahead and resurfaced the music that I listened to before.

Why? About 3 days ago I really gotten beat over gchat by a punk. Which is ok if I defended myself..but I retreated. WTF!!!!! And over GCHAT…shame on you!

In retrospect, actually, while getting the verbal beating, I thought to myself…wait a minute…wasnt I strong women…why am I responding to this shit like a docile little girl. Not even a BA in Women Studies could prepare me for this self awareness.

And then it hit me. I have working so hard, Ive lost touch with myself. I havent figured out what to do yet. YET, my gut reaction for now is this:

I loved Le Tigre, Bikini Kill and Babes in Toyland. Loved them when I was 20 and latently coming of age. And now Im coming back to heal.

Grounded?

I probably dont make enough time to blog. But I figured I will start during my lunch hour at work (haha).

I have been viewing this wonderful collection of stories at the nytimes. I liked this one about a woman walking the streets  of NY. It made me feel nostalgic about leaving NY.

Just like mindlessly walking, my nostalgia tumbled into thinking about leaving my family and my current housing situation. I live in Astoria on Friday nights through Sunday mornings. I live in the Bronx from Monday night to Friday mornings. Depending on out of town travel, this schedule is disrupted. In the Bronx, I live with my parents, my sister, her boyfriend, their 3 month old child and tons of cats. In Astoria, I live with Gabe, his parents, a turtle, a Siberian husky and a cat. 

I am lucky to have my own room in the Bronx in what used to be the living room. Of course, its uncomfortable!  Especially so when there is no hot water or heat. Sharing the bathroom sucks since both me and my dad leave for work around 9am.  Part of me though wants to be with my parents. It reminds me of that feeling, before I realized that childhood ended, when I felt bad leaving my parents.

Being in Astoria is entirely different experience. I remember visiting Gabe’s house for the first time. I culturally shocked by Astoria and realized for the first time about inequities in housing for the poor, middle class and rich. Well gabe is certainly not middle class, barely working class I would think. But Astoria is beautiful in its diversity and its pleasantness.

My housing situation represents how all over the place my head and life is. I feel very scattered a lot of the times, wearing different hats, trying different personalities, changing my location so many times. I wonder where I am at really and when I will begin to feel more grounded.

Something new for next year

Ok…so im getting super excited about my new but not so new discovery: pin up modeling.

I was busy checking out old-school photos of my mujeres favoritas Maria Felix, Rita Hayworth and Dolores del Rio when I got really whimsical about adding more color and glamour to my life. Yesterday, over a free martini, I had the wildest urge to go to carnival in Brazil in February or get the cheap boob job in Colombia. Well I think the martini was wrong about the cheap boob job, but I do want to go to Brazil with my frequent flier miles!

Anyway, I remembered an attempt a while back where I tried to play with some photography and how much I loved pin up modeling.

Since I’m pressed for time and picking up photography will have to wait, I decided to look for photographers specialized in pin up photography in NYC.

I stumbled on a couple of folks any many prices ranging from $250 to $900. Clearly the quality of the pictures differed, but I think I’m gonna give this place a shot next January.

Oh snap, this is gonna be exciting. Im gonna give me and gabe this simple pleasure, no?

http://www.bombshellbetty.net/pinup.html

Anniversaries

Four years runs by fast. Felt it all went by with you holding me tight.

Four years sounds like a hot dancehall in New Yorks Eve, the waves of a nantucket beach with just you, your ronquidos which I got used to.

Four years looks sublime.